it just speaks for itself.

There are prettier versions of this song.. but the emotion caught in this one is incredible.
I'd say my shirt is fitting for this video, wouldn't you?

in a funk-can't shake it.

So this is the tattoo I got a few weeks ago. Plumerias. If you read on down my blog, you'll see why they are so important to me, but if you don't want to, I've got your back--in a nutshell, I lived in Hawaii when I was younger. Plumerias grow there, we would sew leis with the flowers way back when..the smell is unbelievable. I grow the trees here in SC..a huge feat considering our winters are not exactly tropical.. a labor of love, definitely. When I found out my mother was gone, my siblings threw 4 plumerias out into the Gulf of Mexico with her ashes. The night I talked to my sisters the first time, who coincidentally live in Hawaii now, they were on the way home with the windows down. Earlier in the day, they had planned on doing something after work, but when they got the phone call..SURPRISE, you have a sister, they said they drove home with the smell of plumerias invading their olfactory senses to get home fast and check facebook to see what I looked like.

I look exactly like their mom, coincidentally enough. Exactly. I've only gotten one picture of her. It was a highschool pic-you can't even tell us apart, I swear to god.

While I was getting the tattoo, in my mind, it was saying goodbye. I missed her by so long, that this was a funeral of sorts. I thought it would put some things to rest..and it did for a couple days. It's just not now.

People are getting tired of this, I can tell. How do you explain the need to mourn over a mother you never knew?It's been less than two months. I don't know the RULES. Some days I'm okay.. on top of the world, really, because now I know- any adoptee will know exactly what I'm talking about.Firstmothers too, maybe. Other days, I'm just broken.Sad. Angry. There I said it.

For so many reasons, I am happy with what I've found out.. I have 3 siblings. I have the possibility of a fourth. My mother let the girls know I was out there. I got to to my mother's best friend( til the day she died ) the other day. She was with my mother the day before I was born. She told me stories of my mother as a child. It was incredible.

And it left me sad, and lonely.

I found out that my mother was married to a man a few months before I was born. It obviously threw me into a major tailspin. The man ended up being the father to my other three siblings, and the possible fourth. He's gone, too. I have been blessed to be taken in by that fourth sibling no matter what.. she's willing to do a DNA test, she's been a lifesaver on so many levels.

The compassionate, adult side of me that I'm trying to embrace because it's natural, after all, I am an adult..says I don't know what goes on in someone's head to make a decision like putting a child up for adoption. The part of me that wanted her to be a precious firstmother like so many I know, who didn't want to put their babies up for adoption has had her eyes opened. It's not the case for me.

If you juxtaposition (hey, great word, by the way!) my life with my siblings, you'd say I got lucky. I did in some ways, and I adore my family that I was placed with.

I just hate that I had to be taken away from the one thing that I needed and ached for deep in my soul to get.."lucky."

I don't know how to "get over" this. I want to.. I want to put my lost Betsy on a shelf, embrace the life I've been given. Forget I was adopted. Maybe it's just too early. Maybe I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Just grieve right now. I know people lose their parents everyday, it's a natural progression of life. She was only 54 when she died. I'm scared I'm going to die just like her. I'm so sad I missed her. She was the only one I wanted.

They say I should be grateful. I've gotten so lucky to meet some incredible people that were involved with her. That's my adult side speaking.

Whatever other side is speaking now says "damnit.. I'm so pissed off,I can never touch my mother, never look in her eyes, can't show her what an amazing life I've had, what an amazing person I've become. I can't show her my children, my pain, or my happiness. I can't show her anything at all. I'm not going to find my father, and if I do make a DNA match with the man she was married to, well, he's gone too. And he was the world's shittiest father. According to the poor kids who had to deal with him."

I just don't know how to get over this, or how to grieve, or how to anything at the moment. I know I don't want to be like this forever, I guess I just need to be told that this is normal for right now.

Resident Psychologist, please speak up..NOW.

Thanks for reading, just a rant. Resume "normalcy" (or at least fake it)..now.