i hate to say this.. but..

I've been reading some blogs by other adoptees.. I do it often, so it's not really random. At the beginning of my search, I thank the gods that I found the community founded by the fabulous Elaine P. when I did. Christ on a crutch, I don't know how I'd be right now had I not stumbled onto that page.
Anyway, this isn't going to be a long blog, the time change makes me want to go to bed at 4.30, so you can imagine how I feel at 7.08.. but I've come to a giant conclusion-it was something I had supposed was true, but now I feel it's absolutely true, not just a theory. Please feel free to chime in-I'd love to hear perspective either way.

I feel, as a grownup who was adopted as a baby, searched for her mother, only to find her ashes are scattered in the Gulf of Mexico and I will never ever know her.. that it would be easier to find a mother already dead, than to be rejected again.
I understand.. maybe, perhaps.. that there COULD be hope if the mother is still alive and on the planet.. but I will swear that I doubt that's the case.. not for me, anyway.. I've got the wound.. it's shredded me.. I honestly don't know if I would have the fortitude some of the adoptees I admire have.

I know life, in general, is putting one foot in front of the other--to keep going.. when the going gets tough and all that crap.. so ,another cliche, we do what we have to do, and it is what it is.
My sadness these days is pure grief.. the what could have been.. the questions, unanswered. The wishing, the wanting.. all of those plus more, I have, and they have annihilated me. I know I will stand again, but for my comrades, the ones who have lost the hope, have had the second rejection.. you're on my mind and heart tonight. I'm just so sorry.

So, this is to you, the ones who have found, and have had the knives pushed in even further. It quite possibly could even be worse than the first wound, I have no way of knowing, but I suspect that is the case.
You have my respect, and my sympathy.. I just wish we all could have gotten lucky to have found living, breathing mothers that wanted us, still.
I really, really ache for you, my sisters, my friends, my allies in a war we never asked to be in.