dazed.

dazed, confused, im just waking up--literally, figuratively. coma is a good word.. putting one foot in front of the other, existing, mourning, laughing, loving, hating, missing you, missing her, missing me.

the grief process has been interesting, grieving for someone you never knew is hard to explain to people who just won't get it.. but they can't.. but i still blame them, somehow. or, maybe i did know her very well.. i feel, even though i never had a conversation with her, that our hearts were connected.. on some biological level, i know exactly how she felt.. or maybe its only because i inherited her depression. i have no idea.

i'll never know the entire story. there is still that storage shed in galveston, dusty, dark, alone.. quiet.. screaming with my mother's secrets, entombed are all her earthly possessions-locked down like the secret of me has always been. is there no one who knows? does anyone care? i do.

i think ive put her safely into a good place in my heart. the last contact i had with the eldest of my sibs was in the form of a box, pictures, my mothers ring.. bracelet, a charm. in case of fire, get these things.. i keep telling myself, hoping i'll remember. her sock monkey when she was a baby. the tail still holding on to the shape that looks like she sucked on it.. or held on to it for comfort.. my mother's little sock monkey. profound. it helped. a lot.

that was kind of her, my sister. it really was. this abandoned adoptee is grateful for that.

still not so grateful to be sitting out here wondering who my father is/was. wondering how i fit these people that i just pushed my way through to get to so that one random monday, their lives were changed, as well. push and pull. maybe ill always have that piece played on my gameboard. i want to get it out of my head-i want to be looked for. ive done the looking, the searching, the hoping , the praying, the hard work. . so now i sit. it was more important to find than to be found. im tired. exhausted, really.
i see the dark place ive found, once again. this time, its a little different.. i hate it here. i hate being lost. i hate not finding the sun. turn on the lights so i can find the doorknob and get out of here. i want to live now, please,and thank you. with you, without you, i dont care, i just have to live.
or i die.