Drunk dialing is out. Drunk texting, on the other hand, is totally the way to go.
When you're awake at 2a.m. you assume everyone else should be, as well.
The ladies in the mall who work at makeup counters seriously think they are the most cosmopolitan women in all the land. Come on, you work at a mall for christ sake, quit being so snotty. Besides, Loreal is more expensive than Clinique these days, you bitch.
It takes my body 2 weeks to metabolize an entire loaf of pumpkin bread.
I talk louder than I think I do. No scary biker dude likes to be looked at, pointed at, and laughed at while someone is telling her friends that his beard looks like pubic hair. I don't recommend this unless you have a man who has a gun sitting in close proximity to you and is willing to use it.
The term "beer shits" makes me laugh. It always reminds me of Rhonda's feet hanging out of a bathroom stall while hearing her moan. And not in pleasure, if you know what I mean.
People who shop at WalMart later than 12 a.m. usually are the freaks who have a gimpy leg.
Christmas shopping doesn't get done by its self.
My cousin had a baby in October. I still have the present in my trunk right next to the beach chair.
Linen closets can be made to look like they are really clean if you fold the top layer of linens really niceley to cover things up.
Once you dust the fan blades and scrub the floors, your mother in law will call to tell you she doesn't want to come. At least I get a clean fridge out of the deal.
Shorts in December is a stupid look. Shorts in December with Ugg boots is even worse. I seriously don't care that your legs are gorgeous, you look ridiculous.
No matter how quiet I am on the mornings I just want to sneak out of the house to get the grocery shopping done, my little one will hear me and want to go. Waking her up for school, on the other hand, takes an act of congress to get her out of the bed.
Most cars will move for a crazy woman in an Excursion when she's uptight and in Christmas traffic.
No matter how much I yell with my head out of the open window while stuck in school traffic, it will not make the trip faster. Especially if I throw the F bomb out with it. It actually has the opposite effect and makes asscracks let more people out in front of them.
My mother just told me that Santa isn't real. wtf, you were pretending???
I still can't watch Frosty or Rudolph. It seriously makes me cry. Stephie can't either. Maybe now I know the reason, my parents scarred us by telling us there wasn't a Santa..
I can, however, watch the Christmas Story for 24 hours straight. You'll shoot your eye out!
I still love Britney. I know, I know.
I plan on watching Psycho and eating farm raised shrimp for New Years. Yes, I know I suck.
Liquids can't turn to solids while passing through intestines.
PO boxes are the closest things to engagement rings.
Wool sweaters seem like a good idea when it's freezing out. Not such a good idea when you're huddled with the masses in the mall and have claustrophobia and huge fake boobs.
Huge fake boobs make you sweat.
Upon further inspection, it has been deemed by me that there is no nice word to describe that thing that hangs down on obese men..you know, the thing that starts at the waistline and ends at their..knees. I seriously want to know how they pee.Hoist? Lever? Pulley system? What.FOPA!
Never try to thin out your own hair. Your hairdresser can and will chastize you for screwing up your hair.
On the days that I have to get a shower and scoot out of the house, one of my children can and will sneak in before me and take all the hot water.
Legs don't shave well when you're sitting in half an inch of lukewarm bathwater.
I never have bandaids in the house when I need them.
It really is more windy at Lake Murray.
Coach really makes tennishoes. How tacky.
If you own a zebra striped bag, don't admit it. You and every other woman out there. Good Lord. Especially if it's not really D&B. Flea markets aren't really reputable, know what I mean?
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