I've gotten kindof shy about putting my words down on here. Maybe it's because I have crawled into my hermit shell again, or maybe it's because I have reconnected with some friends from long ago-maybe I'm insecure about people thinking I've gone a little nutty. I worry too much about what people think, perhaps.
I'm still trying to keep my head above water these days. I'm still so worried about one person in particular who shall remain nameless (if you know who I'm talking about, please just drop in and check on her from time to time..).
I'm in a spot where I want to reach out and connect with people who care, but just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I've got friends calling that I haven't spoken with since August. Are they being nosey, or do they just care enough to love me in spite of myself? Can't they understand that I just can't talk about any of this anymore?
I've learned that sometimes it's okay to be sad, angry, hurt, happy, stupid, and silly all in the same day. I've learned that no matter how much you might want life to be wonderful, sometimes it just isn't. I've learned that I'm a good mom even if I sometimes forget to get McFlurries on Fridays. I've learned that my parents did the very best job they knew how. I've learned that family isn't just blood related. I've learned that even if you do carry the same DNA, it doesn't automatically mean someone will love you forever. I've learned that time is so very precious. I'm still learning to have patience. I'm learning that I'm as strong as people think I am. I'm learning that somedays I'm weak, and it's okay. I'm learning that life goes on, even when it should stop for a little while and let us get our bearings. I've learned that there are people out there who are fake, and wish only horrible things on people. I've learned that these people usually prove their true colors, eventually. I haven't learned to not let this bother me. I've learned that there are adults out there that act cruel, because they are. I've learned that there are adults out there who don't act cruel, also.
It's interesting. I have gone back to the place where I spent my formative years. I found that some things have stayed entirely the same. I have also learned that some people have grown up to become such amazing people. It's so weird to see people almost 20 years later who haven't changed. At all. I sound bitter. I'm not so necessarily bitter, as sad. There is a great big world out there and it seems some people haven't figured that out yet. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does. To the kind hearts, and the ones who figured out what life is all about, you have my ultimate respect.
I guess I just needed to get some things out. It's all seeping out, slowly, but if it comes out, that means it's not inside, threatening to destroy me, right?
I need to go to the beach, it heals me.. I think I'll close this,now, and see if I can get a little house in the Keys for Spring Break. I'm not sure I can take another SB at Disney World this year.
Another 4 a.m. Rachel blog. What would you do without them? :)
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