this will be my 3rd and final attempt at writing the story on kidney stones.
but first, things that are going on in the life of rachel in no particular order of importance (don't front, you know you're interested..)
kays in my closet playing dress up. im sure that it will require 3 hours of cleaning as she is now in the shoe department pretending she's a cast member of high school musical..
i now only communicate with casey in the mornings via emails and comments on myspace. he has not learned that you are supposed to say goodmorning before going back to his underground cave filled with myspace and an xbox 360.
a girl ive worked with and known for 7 years lost her son thursday night. dont forget to show your loved ones how much you love them, you never know if it will be the last time. (perhaps i should go tell my son, instead of emailing him..hmm.
save ten cents a gallon with a "green" car and the fuel made out of corn, pay an extra 2 dollars for milk and beef per pound. logical.
if i sound like a republican, perhaps on some issues. dont forget, however, that one of my best friends ever is gay. I love her more than life, itself. My nephew has a great view of all this, so in case i get any judgment comments, i will refer you to him to set you straight. (straight..yuk yuk)
I absolutely hate my ex brother in law. I won't get into it, though.
My mama and I had the most amazing conversation the other night.
now, onto the kidney stones, because that is what you have been waiting for..
Last Tuesday evening, I went to bed like any normal evening (ive decided right now to throw out all punctuation and grammar skills, for the sake of time), 7 oclock on the dot, EB had the kids taken care of for the evening, and I was trying my hardest to get over a wicked lung infection that had left me tired, ornery and coffee. coughie. coughey. coffee. hmm.
I woke up, 'round 2.. had to pee, but it was different, I hurt. Now, anyone that knows me, probably just my sister and those other girls i think of as sisters, knows that i have been plagued my kidney issues my entire adult life. coincidentally, i drink mountain dew every day and a glass of water A WEEK is about as much as i can stand. I figure it has something to do with me being too lazy to actually take time out of my day to go to the bathroom. besides, i always end up turning around tocheck my butt out, and that always depresses me, anyway.
I proceeded to get up, take some motrin and try to get ready for work. I knew i couldnt have a kidney infection, because i had just gotten off the antibiotics for the wretched black lung disease. as i was putting on my fake up, i knew my time was up. I woke the kids up, begging them to get ready that day with no problems, as I figured i had about 30 minutes left before i was full on in the fetal postion sucking my thumb like the baby i truly am and drove myself to the ER.
well, i got there 'round 7.12 (i guess that would be "precisely," wouldn't it?) parked beautifully (i drive the biggest gas-guzzlin' SUV ever made. pay attention, this will matter soon..) and went into the medical facility lexington dares to call a medical facility.
the first person who met me was the security guard. he and i would later have an intimate encounter, but for now, he informed me that they wouldn't be able to see me until 8, perhaps id like to wait? i told him id rather stick a fork in my eye, i didnt have time to wait, and thought that if i drove down to the doc in a box down the street, theyd throw me in an ambulance and id get priority treatment.
what a bad bad idea. i got a block down the road and turned around. i felt like i was about to deliver Jesus Jr. (as that is what i would have named any [seemingly] 22 pound baby that was at that moment giving me labor-esque like pains, but you can call me "Mary,mother of baby kidney stones," if you wish.)
I pulled in the big green monster.. thought i was doing a fabulous job at parking, and got stuck. at this moment, ididnt even CARE that i was stuck and contemplated just leaving the car right where it was and crawling back inside. i did, however, realize that this was a bad idea, even in the state i was in,and gunned my v10 like i was ...gunning a v10. went inside, told my new security guard friend that i would, indeed like to stay if they'd have me, as polite as you please, and then proceeded to tell him that i just made mince-meat pie out of that shiny new 2008 dodge ram parked next to me.
that'llteachyoutodriveaford.
I crawled to the seat to wait, where the nurses took me in via wheelchair. I gave the guy an expired (who knew?) car insurance card, and proceeded to weep my way back to some room where they took my next insurance card. ahh,the day i was grateful i have insurance on everything.
After i was in a bed, and the morphine was in full progress running through my veins, helping everything BUT my pain, the police officers arrived. i was still writhing in pain (can you believe the morphine didnt even work? i was shocked..), but had enough sense (not really) to wonder if they'd give me a DUI since i was totally drugged up. later , i figured out theyd figure out i got the morphine from the doctor, but thats when i had sense again.
did i mention that i had to take my clothes off and get in a gown that showed everything but my 4th rib on the right side? well, that and some socks. my nurse was kind enough to bring me some socks because as i took off my shoes and examined my pedicure in the flourescent lights, i panicked, thinking back that i had been so sick the week before that i missed that step, and would have to wear heels with my gown. i think she felt a little sorry for me and (perhaps) thought i was a tad..on the vain side,and went and fetched me some socks.
so..police officers and security guard in my room, me on morphine, halfway 'nekkid' and wearing borrowed socks. "oh, thats right, the little accident. it was what? a brand new truck i hit? oops. it was a rental car? oops. i guess ill claim responsibility,and SURE you can have my keys, just go dig them out of my purse, thats right, right next to the xanax , there you go, sure you can go get in my car and get my real insurance card and registration. document all the stuff i cant see, and what? oh sure, you can blame every scratch on the rental car on me!! thats fine,no, really, i totally understand! have a nice day, 'occifer."
dumb. dumb. dumb. now eb probably was wishing he had gone on ahead and met me at the hospital, heck, even driven me would have been okay, since he pays for the insurance on that car. hes thinking now that hes a sucker and should have stopped paying that bill when i got my current job.
anyway, for the sake of time, as my fingers are getting tired ( i swear if myspace deletes all this, i will delete my account in protest, THAT will teach Tom.), after a CAT scan, it was revealed that Jesus jr. was not on the way, that i was, indeed passing kidney stones, poor poor rachel.. they gaveme dilaudid, took me to the potty and taught me how to strain my pee, and sent me on the way. EB did , in fact, come to save the day, anddrove me home, and got the medicine and took care of the kids for thenext few days. i was a mess. no body told me you get violently ill passing kidney stones. let that be a lesson to you all.
anyway. im resting. comfortably, thank you very much to vicodin. have a great day,enjoy the fair if you are going, if its colder than a witches tit where you are (that'll teach you to say that particular saying, as i will then proceed to ask you when the last time you can remember taking the temperature of a certain witches boobie..), then throw a scarf on and enjoy the day.
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