she huddled in the rain, thinking that nothing was worth this addiction she had. i kept telling her she really should just quit, as the water puddled beneath her , pelting her in the face every now and then-shes so strong-willed with all of that. I told her by christmas that she should try to quit, she answered back with all her excuses(which really did make entirely good sense), and I just stopped arguing with her and let her get back to it. so cold.. nothing is worth this, i thought. she gave me that all-knowing stare, eyebrow cocked like it so often does-i didn't get to see it, but i knew it was there, and i backed off.
pain from a few different places. maybe a dozen. compartmentalize.. just do it. dont think about it, just do. she tries that, and usually succeeds. sometimes, though, in the black of the night, she doesn't succeed so well.. she thinks that if it would just end, and she didn't have to think anymore, it would be okay. she has her escape, she goes often enough-its never enough for her, though. shes so attuned to the absolute fear. she cant get warm. she cant escape it, no matter how fast she tries to run. she used to dream, years ago, of not being able to run.. mired down by something that made her long limbs feel as if they were weighted down-she couldn't get her feet off the ground to just run. one night, she finally ran, and has been running ever since.
until now.
the elusive quick-sand-like feeling has taken over, once again. she tries so desperately to rest in the knowledge that life is already planned..since the beginning (and before) of time.He knew every hair on her head before she even was..(how about those 23 gray ones she picked out last Sunday with those great tweezers she bought?).
How is it that life can continue, and she is supposed to be okay with all of this? surely there is some strength that only comes with the help of divine intervention that she isnt aware of. shes been told shes strong..when will she believe it?
the one person she loved so desperately is gone. not in body, but already in spirit, and soon enough (today? has it already happened and she just doesn't know it yet? would she instinctively know when it had happened, that she wouldn't even have to be told?) left behind in his wake are 2 beautiful people. one girl, one woman. proof of life. she loves them both so much it hurts her. how can she possibly protect them from what is coming? how can she possibly protect herself? two women.. one who possesses his soul, one who possesses his heart.
then there is her rock..her strength, her source of comfort for 34 years almost to the day the one who chose her.(none of the other stuff matters, but that one minute in time where she looked upon that sleeping child in the hotel room..it was january..it should have been cold in there.. and said:"i love her already, of course i want her") the one person she runs back to each and every time, no matter what has happened, no matter whats been said. the woman that made her life what it is..for good and for bad, she cant imagine or even comprehend what it would be like to lose her.
so she puts on a good face, wipes the tears that make her face more wet than when she was outside a few minutes ago, tells herself she will NOT claim any of this, and that a higher power, God? is still in control. she will save her mother ,no matter the cost. she will save her family from this qucksand.. because that is what she does. its what she is good at, no matter that she might lose herself in the process.
I always remind her that I'm still here, and I'll help her ..i won't let her get lost, entirely.One day, soon enough, she will run again.. not away..but to, and i'll be there, at the finish line to tell her i told her so.
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