Saturday evening, my sister and I got back to Rhonda's house around ten. I had missed the exit and wanted to cry because all I wanted to do was get back and get in bed, had to have the rental car (cheaper to rent an entire vehicle plus gas than to put gas into my guzzler) back on Sunday morning by ten.
After getting in bed, I realized that something was attacking me..I think it was sand fleas. God, I love Florida. Or chiggers, perhaps. All I knew was that I was itching and there was no way I'd be able to sleep for a few hours before I had to get up.. so..I got up. 12 a.m. Took a shower, hoping that whatever was eating me alive would get washed down the drain, got a huge cup of coffee and hit the road at 12.30. Now, if you know me, you know that I haven't been awake at that time in oh.. years. All I wanted to do was get home to my babies for Mother's Day and sleep in my own non-sand flea bed.
It started out innocently enough, I had my phone charged (but who could I call? hot coffee right beside me, gum in reach, and a pop tart in case I got terriblly hungry. The only thing I really hadn't thought through was that I'm a decent looking enough female that I probably shouldn't be wandering into rest stop bathrooms by myself in the middle of the night in Florida. Hmm.
So, after going through an hour and a half of smoke so thick that people had pulled over and had hazard lights on.. (I should have stopped right then and there..Florida is on fire!), I got to Jacksonville having the entire huge cup of coffee sitting in my bladder pounding with it's fists that it had to come out. What to do at 2 am when you have to pee so bad, you wish you'd worn a diaper? Well, you do what any normal person would do..you contemplate the cup where it came from in the first place. You probably shouldn't be wearing jeans when you attempt this, though. After figuring out that any trucker would see all my girl parts if I peed in the cup driving 80 through Jacksonville, I decided I'd pull over and try to pee off an exit. (Why, my sister asked TOO MUCH later, didn't I go to a well-lit gas station? I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, I just had to pee..).
So, I pulled off the exit, drove into an Applebee's parking lot, picked a spot where no one would see me, and took the seatbelt off. I can do this, and be back on the interstate in 44 seconds, I told myself. Until the guy pulled up beside me and said "Hey baby." I almost fainted. Sooooooo..I put my seatbelt back on, while tearing out of that parking lot for dear life (still having to pee..) and got back onto the interstate at 95 m.p.h. I was being chased!! The guy followed me! He caught up with me after about a mile..got beside me, stared me down, then got in front of me. I had the phone, I was going to call 911..(and tell them this story, of how I had to pee..) when blessed be, he got off at the next exit. Needless to say, I didn't follow him.
Still had to pee , though. After that, I figured I'd just pee in my jeans, better than being killed by a stalker. No, really, who wanted to sit another 6 hours in wet jeans? Not me, so I got the cup out again. Truckers be damned, I had to go. Putting all my weight on my left foot to hold me up the 8 inches that I needed to clear the giant coffee cup, I dropped my speed to the safe speed for peeing and driving at the same time, and precariously drove and peed. Fine. I felt bettter. Until the cup overflowed. Who knew my bladder was bigger than your average traveling mug? We do now. Panic ensued as I wondered just what to do. Well, I stopped the stream, tiniest bit too late, who am I kidding, WAY too late, put the cup where all full cups go, in the cup holder, and tried to shimmy back into my wet jeans (so they hadn't been pulled down far enough, I was scared the truckers would see my girl parts, I already told you that!). Shimmying into wet jeans is about as hard as it sounds.
After getting back into my pants, thanking God for saving my life, and the adreneline got back to normal, I really thought about the predicament I was in. I had wet jeans, I had a giant coffee cup of Rachel pee, and I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was get home. Still had way too long to drive, so I formulated a plan. I'd stop in Savannah and sleep next to my parents car. Wouldn't wake them up, though, that'd be rude. So, I drove, knowing I could park there, and lay my tired head on my pillow just for a second, dump the cup, and then drive the rest of the way home.
Except that, as soon as I got there, 2 guys felt the need to park there, as well. I dumped the pee, prayed that I wouldn't have another episode like Jacksonville, and didn't move, hoping those drunk guys would go inside or leavve, or do whatever normal guys do at 4.am. in the morning.
No such luck, they stayed. Now I was faced with having to pee again. (My sister asked me , again, MUCH TOO LATE, why i didn't just knock and wake my parents up. That'd have been rude, I said.) Sooo.. I filled the cup again, this time, not overflowing, dumped it and left.
Got home at 7, took off my (still wet) jeans, cried, peed in a real toilet, cleaned the (rental) car seat, cried some more, kissed my family and went to bed. Slept all of Mother's Day away.
Now, I'll go take a shower and get to work. What a drive.
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