In the last post, I said I wanted to find my mother to see if I had inherited psychotic problems-while that would be nice to know, I want to find my mother because I love her even though I have never laid eyes on her. Even though "they" say she never wanted to see me. (That hurt, I just can't get past it, even though well-meaning people tell me it could all be lies, it just hurts me so much.)
I miss her. I miss what I never got. I want to know she misses me too. I don't want to have to tell her if I'm ever lucky enough to find her (PLEASE GOD LET ME BE LUCKY ENOUGH-PLEASE SAY IVE DONE SOMETHING GOOD IN MY LIFE THAT WARRANTS THIS WISH) that she did the right thing, and "thank you." I don't want to have to thank her bc it will be a lie. And I want her to be like some other firstmothers I've met-that ache for their babies they gave away. Please God, let her have ached, let her be alive, let her have missed me all these years. Please. Please. Please.
2 comments:
Ok - none of my business, but here goes. I get the feeling that you don't want to be lied to or coddled. I try not to be judgmental. However, if you find your mother, without even attempting to sort out your PushMePullYou behaviors, you will push her away with pain and anger. I know - my daughter is doing her best to ruin whatever it is that I (we?) are trying to build.
She is very much like you - except she does not even begin to admit it is her problem.
I got counseling - from the day I started looking - because I was stuck in teenage mother mode.
It helps.
I grew up and found out that, after all these years, I would have been a much better parent than the idiots that raised her.
What I am trying to say is that it would help to talk to an unbiased person - one who gets all the issues and won't want to blame her or you or anyone, but teach you how to heal.
JMHO - respectfully submitted.
Have you been able to read Primal Wound yet, Lori? Maybe some answers to why your daughter might be placing blame could be answered there. I think where we differ, though, in my humble opinion is that while everyone else had a choice, adoptees didn't get that choice. Our firstmothers and aparents made that choice FOR us.. we didn't ever get our answers, we got nothing. So how is that we should take responsibility for that? I do take responsibility that I'm a complete screw up now.. I just don't for that one decision that was made for me so long ago that wounded me in a way you can never ever understand.
I agree, counseling would probably help me very much, I'm just not there yet. My writing is not how I am in "real life." While it is there, I don't let all of this stuff out to anyone-one trait being adopted has given me is how to put on a happy face and not scare people.
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