there was a time when I had grown up to be everything I thought I should be. I had done well in college, graduated with a 3.78. I got married to a respectable man and I had 3 beautiful kids. Well, actually, I had 1 beautiful kid, then got married to the respectable man and had 2 more beautiful kids. I ended up moving to a small town, making friends with all the minivan driving mothers at the elementary school where my each of my children went. They never had to move around like I did..they've been in the same home most of their life. I thought I did it all correctly.I was so "lucky to be able to be a SE Teacher, meanwhile, it crushed the very life out of me. I lost myself to that person I thought everyone thought I should be.Actually, I guess I couldn't lose myself-I've never found myself if you would like to know the truth.
I grew up to be a PTO President who was afraid to speak in public-that is when I got a taste of Xanax, which helped me stand up on that stage that night as I mumbled something about thanking the parents for giving up a whole goddamned 20 minutes of their Thursday night-it showed how loyal they were to their kids education. Seriously, I said that shit. Meanwhile, I had worked my fingers to the bone for 6 years doing fundraisers, spring flings, raising money so we could get stuff for our classrooms, all the while with this stupid 1000 mega watt smile on my face thanking THEM.
Oh, yeah, I am adopted.
I'm sure I even threw the word 'grateful' at them at least once.

These days, I am no longer that person I pretended I was. Eventually, I just burned out. I was tired of being friends with other women who were nothing like me. The good southern ladies who went to church, would never consider being friends with someone "like me." I never told anyone my husband had adopted my oldest child. I just always added a year to my anniversary and hoped none of my kids would speak up when I was lying. I, myself, should have known the damage that could do to my child, but I was selfish. Ashamed.
None of them like me anymore, anyway. A couple are on my FB friends list, but I think that's more to do with the fact that they would like to keep up with the scandalous person I have become. Yeah, I really have. So, I hide in my house, having no real friends anymore. And I really was a good friend to people. I gave EVERYTHING to be a good friend. I'd take care of one of my friends for over a year when she got so sick she couldnt take care of her own family. I'd take care of her while she was in bed (i'm not exaggerating when I say a year, either), played with her 3 year old so this poor little girl wouldn't feel ignored. I'd make them dinner, clean up their house, BATHE her children bc her husband didn't want to, and then travel over to my house at night to do it all again with my own family.
Eventually, that wore me out, of course and our friendship faded.. She still is sick, 4 years later. I won't get into it. Some mysterious 'disease' that no one has labeled yet. I've got your disease.
Why did I feel the need to be that friend? Was it bc I was trying to gain points, so that if I ever needed anything, I'd have a person that owed me? I mean, I loved them and all.. but why did I do that? Was I afraid they would leave me if I didn't kiss their butts?

I don't know.
I do know that the way I eventually treated all of my friends was what I abhor most in others when they do it to me. The number one fear in my entire life is being left. By men, by women, by anyone. I have no problem, though, just cutting people out of my life ..feeling guilty for a little while about it, but eventually, just ducking my head under the covers and just forgetting it all. Is it selfish? Yeah. Or is it self-preservation? Hurt them before they hurt me kinda deal?
Why is it that I am destroyed when people leave me? (redundant.)
It's always been this way. If I feel like I have to say goodbye, I'm FINE if I'm the one leaving.. I don't think twice about treating others poorly. (Funny, bc I'm such a compassionate sort of girl..my heart bleeds for other people-animals-lost souls, whatever, it bleeds, so I know I'm not a sociopath or anything[i think])
Godforfuckingbid someone dismisses me or leaves me. I get suicidal. I swear to God I do.
I'm there now. Well, maybe suicidal isn't exactly it. It's not like I have the guts to hurt myself. I want to be a pretty corpse, anyway, and I'm afraid to die. I just want to die, I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I never was.
So sad, bc I'm a pretty fucking amazing person. Just the inside, all dark and oozing just hurts too bad. It trumps the amazing and makes me feel like I just want to go.
I want to run, get out of here. I just have no where to go.
That stupid college education really didn't help me any since I "chose" to stay home and end my career prematurely. Who wants a dumb broad that's convinced she has Alzheimers bc she can't remember things? Nobody, trust me.
I have my pride, too, I'm not that woman who can go work in a gas station to make ends meet. I won't do it. I'll stay in my pretty house with my pretty kids.. And I'll be miserable probably the rest of my days.
I just truly want to find my mother, so I can at least find out if I'm insane legitimately or if I'm just in pain, or even if that would help me.
I just can't go on like this.
Don't worry if you're reading this, you don't have to call 911 or do an intervention or anything. These thoughts are bi-weekly, since I was oh..11.